My mind is heavy with the possibilities of changeI’m poked constantly by the thoughts that have made their home in my mind. What am i to do with these worries and doubts that fill my mind.What are my options now for my future and where do i put my hope.My hope is really all i have now to combat the uncertainty that has comethe uncertainty tries to take over against everything i havebut my hope is placed in God, my faithful Father. He comforts my soul with His love and mercy.He gives me peace and joy through the tough timesreminding me of who He is and His love for me.Even though things look bleak and I begin to become meekIt’s His love, His strength and His joy that i seek
how fast time flies by. The second year of my college life has already passed by and it sure was an interesting one. It started off with a desperate attempt by me to make things new and better from the get go, but i still needed to get through some hills and valleys before truly getting to start to take the steps necessary to move on the right way. You learn a lot of things while you get older in life, and there were some things that i had to learn, specifically about myself and others before coming to this point. This past year at school was also one where my spiritual walk with God changed in the best of ways. God led me back to him slowly through many different people and events that happened throughout the year and i also learned what it really meant to live a Christian life. One with total reliance on God, one where He is your number one priority no matter what, and many other things. God worked amazingly throughout this year for me, through me and others for his purpose. i met many new friends as well, getting out of the circle that had so suddenly formed and stayed hidden from me for so long. I also grew closer to some of my friends and I can’t wait till fall quarter starts again so that we can continue to get closer. Spring quarter was a struggle, but it was necessary for me to go through all of it, even though inside, i didn’t want to. I had to leave and get away, not literally, but as much as possible for some time and it was not fun. It was worth it to go through the struggle in the end however, because it allowed me to concentrate on what was important and put me on the right path towards God. School ended up overtaking my life in the end of the quarter with finals and all and it was exhausting. Even more exhausting was the fact that I had to move out right after finals and move into another apartment for the summer and next year. In the end, second year was a trying year, but one where i learned and grew in many ways.
**we didn’t say much in the end. A lot of goodbyes and not many words that might have been said the year before. The last couple days were better than first year’s, but i wonder what it means when there wasn’t much said about all of it, but we gladly said our goodbyes and went off into the summer sunset. Does it mean that we’re past this, eager to keep the momentum going on to third year? It would be awesome to know for sure that it’s all in the past and we can go on as if it’s all normal now, all fine and dandy. But I’ll never know for sure. I can only hope and trust that it’ll stay the way it has ended up to be and i’m sure that it can get even better than how it is now. I think we’re all ready to move on with our lives now, even if that means that things could change in regards to how it is between us. There weren’t many words said in the end, but there was no need for many words to be said. We understood each other without even saying anything at all.
Eventually the fast text message responses will become slow. The long conversation will cut short. The attention they give you will become neglected. The comfort they give you will become something awkward. The time they have for you will become non existent. The feeling of being close to them will become distant.
There is this girl i know who is near and dear to my heart. It’s not the same for her regarding me though. Things have changed since we’ve become friends. We’ve gone through our ups and downs, spent many days and nights together and away from each other and now this is how our friendship is. We barely talk or ever interact with each other at all. I don’t hear a word from her anymore and mostly everything that does happen between us is because of me. We’ve both moved on, each in our own way, meeting others and doing whatever we have to do. She’s filled “my spot” with another friend, becoming very close with him, basically, they act like a couple together. She spends the whole night at his place and sleeps in his bed too. It’s obvious that there have been things said about them, who wouldn’t? I hear about it all the time and I get really, really sad because of it for several reasons. The first reason is because I know that I can’t say anything about it to them. I can’t say anything about it to them, because I’ve gone through the same situation with her (could equal me being a hypocrite) and also because I know that they would never listen to what i would say. I know that they would never listen to what i would say, because I know that I never listened when i was in the same position. I heard people talking and saying things, but it didn’t really matter much to me that they did. It did however affect my friendship with her for her though and so there’s a pretty good chance that the same thing will happen to her again as well. The second reason that I get sad is because I know that what they are doing is not right. I might sound hypocritical saying that, but it’s the truth. There are boundaries and unspoken rules that you follow when regarding what happens in a friendship between a girl and a guy and when those boundaries are crossed and the rules are broken, there might be short term happiness and joy because of it, but in the end, there’s only pain and suffering. I’ve experienced it, but apparently, they have something good going on and so what can i do? I wish and hope that she doesn’t go through the pain and suffering that is possible from this because i really care about her, but what can i do? Knowing that what they are doing is wrong, knowing that what I could say probably won’t do anything, knowing that nothing will ever be the same between her and I, knowing that it’s time to move on for me into the right direction, this is what I plan to do from now on. It’s been in my head for a bit, but it makes it more concrete for me when written. I believe that it would be reasonable if I reacted to everything about this in a angry, bitter, resentful, jealous way. I think that would be totally normal for someone in this situation to act like that, but I know that I am called to LOVE. So in everything that I do regarding this situation, i hope to love the best i can for her and him.
For her: If i could and the situation allowed it, I would try to be involved in her life as much as possible because i care about our friendship, but I know now that it is not my place and time for me to do that. I had that time with her, and it’s something I’ll never forget. I’m not willing to let go however and so I don’t mind putting in some time into the friendship and meet with her to catch up. It’s just that i don’t want to put so much time into the friendship that i feel as i’m wasting my time and energy on her which i probably was earlier on. There’s only so much that I can do myself regarding our friendship and I feel that she doesn’t care enough about our friendship to meet me halfway, or at least I haven’t seen her do anything that shows me otherwise. We’ll stay as close as possible as friends, spending time together, catching up when the time comes, but no more looking back at the past and bringing it up anymore, especially since i know how much it affects me after being around that stuff or being involved. Like the saying goes, if you’re really over someone, then they won’t come up during your day as much as before. The only time that she will come up now is when others bring it up, and when i plan to meet and catch up with her. We’ll stay “close”, but how close can you get to someone when you’re the only one putting the effort into the friendship and you feel like you don’t get anything from the other person? In the end, i put it all in God’s hands, trusting that he will do what is best for me and I’ll be able to move on, happy and full of His joy. I do wish it was different though.
*Things might change though, because I’m not in control. These are what i plan to do, but God can change anything he wants for his own glory and I’m totally fine with that as well. If this situation becomes better than i plan it on being, that’s totally fine, and if this situation becomes worse than i plan it on being, then that’s fine too.
**Take everything written here with a grain of salt, I won’t deny that I am biased while writing this entry but I know what I know, I believe what I believe and so what I’ve written here is what comes from all of that.
but a Christian life should not full of and controlled by habits. We have to first form habits, godly ones, but in the end, we are so transformed by God’s love and mercy that those habits change into something that we naturally act on. There is no thinking that needs to be done on those habits, there is no planning ahead on how you should act/say/be. It’s just natural.