why does this happen to me? why, i wonder, am i put through these things while everyone else seems to be having a la-dee-da life, with nothing to hold them back. I am still angry, because it was all going so well. And then I just crashed into this huge mountain that suddenly popped out of the ground. I am still confused, because this changes everything in such a huge way. Do I stay, or do i go? When do I say enough is enough? I am still hurt, because, now I know that things aren’t what i thought they were and there is no way to turn back now. I’ve thought all night and day, I’ve made decisions here and there on this, and yet there is still hesitation and regret. I keep looking back from where I started, hoping for something/someone to start running to me and fix everything for me. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t want to have that heavy, sorrowful feeling in my chest anymore. I want to run away from the pain, and yet it isn’t all pain when i’m there. I want to start over, but that’s kind of hard when you’re a student trying to get through school and just survive. You’re so restricted, so limited and it affects what you can do in response to what has just gone on now.
I want to love, I want to stay and be there through it all. I don’t want to leave. I wish and hope things can work out through it all. Two birthdays and counting, but I don’t want to be counting anymore.
I want to leave. Doing this once was enough for me and another one would probably kill me, nevertheless screw my academic career over at UCI. I want to be able to move on and be happy with myself, with someone else. I want to get off of the damn hook that i keep placing myself back on and be satisfied with the peace and joy that i could have in my life. I want to forget and never think about it again, never have to deal with the burden of caring so much. I want to leave and start over, cutting out the infected part of my life and do the best with what i’m left with. I want God.
I obviously need to make a decision on what to do because of all of this, but where to look to? So many questions and doubts, so much to worry and stress about even with school as well. What am I supposed to say when people ask me how I am? Smile and say that I’m fine.
God, please give me direction. Please give me peace about all of this. I don’t know anymore and I’m too hurt right now to put two and two together to get four like i usually do. I wish things were different but this is how things are now and I put everything in your hands.